April 7, 2008

The beginning of an unravelling story...

Today, I turned in applications for a few new jobs... I don't like change. There's this whole battle within me.
I have job security. I doubt my boss would fire me ever, for ANY reason. I reason with myself that I should stay so that I can be the lead student staff. Satan reminds me that she needs me, making me feel guilty for leaving my boss that needs an employee that actually knows what she's doing. And then I pat myself on the back and pride myself, saying the office would get bent out of shape if I wasn't there to keep things running smoothly. And then I do get poorly treated at work, never receive the raises promised in the contract I signed. And I get to smile while people yell at me from inside and outside the office. Then I consider myself the victim. I console myself. And the circular battle of good days and bad, friends and enemies, stress and familiarity, continues. I've learned to medicate, this, my most obvious outward battle, with my pride. And I turn it into a feat to be accomplished and challenge to overcome. All the while, struggling on a daily basis to live these moments and days in surrender of total control to Christ.
And maybe they will notice the way I worked and what I learned along the way. Maybe they will "miss" me. There's a part of me that wants to smile when the newbies have to figure it out on their own and my boss realizes I'm not there. But that isn't living like Jesus at all. I wish with all that I have, that I could walk away, and do just that- leave it all behind with no worries, stresses, or prideful triumphs. But I know that getting mixed up with all this after 2 years isn't going to be that easy. The hardest part for me is, and will continue to be, leaving my search for significance in pride and human recognition at the door.
Last night I realized again, my need to leave quickly, sort of like ripping the band-aid off fast, to cause the least pain on both sides. Jesus met me face to face, loving me into the deeper, sweet realization that my significance and worth are not based upon what others think of me or how often I get recognized at work. I don't need the stress of trying to please everyone in my PART-TIME job. It has consumed me in a way I never thought possible, and Satan has used it as a tool in changing me into the very person I do not want to be, with a plastered on smile to cover the frustration- from the double standards and crafted words of everyone around.
Enough is enough. Today was the day.
So, I struggle. But I am not leaving Jesus out of this any more. It may have taken 2 years to realize the mess I have taken upon, but today, today, I left this THING. And although I feel scared at a new beginning, it is NEW... and I'm not attempting the impossible on my own anymore. He is more than I can understand and loves me in spite of who I am... "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." 1 Cor. 1:25... God is God, and I am not. Thank goodness...

No comments: